Restroom Oddities: High Knees, Please

My sister the doula sent me this gem.   Rather than requiring you to read it and then absorb my mockery of it, I’ve decided to go commentary-style and provide my editorials throughout (in italics).

Dear Doula, the MiracleStep will be on the Tyra Banks show Dec. 18th (can you feel the excitement?). Let me share some information with you here.

What could be more natural than using a toilet? (If we’re going to split hairs here, I’d point out that indoor plumbing is something of a luxury. For much of human history, “using the toilet” didn’t include any particular apparatus.)  Unfortunately, there is very little natural about the modern toilet. If you or your clients have ever had trouble with wast elimination, or as Oprah says “Poohing,” it just might be your posture.  (I wouldst just like to note here that my last elimination wast just fine, since thou asketh after it.) This problem is more acute for pregnant women.

Humans need to squat, not sit–but most of us sit with our feet flat on the floor!  (Yes, and this allows a flat surface which we can set a newspaper on.  Duh!)

The MiracleStep(c) (tm pending) helps you achieve the posture that enables a more complete waste and toxin elimination.  (I’d submit that they’re taking a bit of credit for Good Old Mr. Gravity’s role in all this.) Placing your feet on the MiracleStep adjusts your legs and hips to a natural, simulated squatting position, relaxing the muscles that keep us continent.  (It just occured to me to wonder if I’ve always misunderstood what Continental Breakfast is…)

Most of us take the toilet for granted, The MiracleStep(c) gives us a better way to achieve healthy elimination–without laxatives, invasive procedures, without straining or expensive equipment.  (Umm…invasive procedures?  Dude!)

The MiracleStep(c) was created by an artist and improves your health simply by placing your feet on it while having a bowel movement!  (I think it also reduces cellulite and whitens your teeth!)  It is made from an environmentally friendly material, grass-bamboo plywood, which is exceptionally and durable.  (Well, since it’s exceptionally, I don’t even really care about the durable part.) The MiracleStep offers other benefits, including:

Complete Safety. Laxatives casue risky health benefits, such as depletion of nutrients and dehydration. The MiracleStep has no side-effects whatsoever.  (Maybe nitpicky, but don’t you mean “negative” side-effects?  Because if it has no side-effects of any kind, what exactly are we buying it for?)

Complete Comfort. This “new” position is so comfortable and NATURAL.  (Didn’t you just get done telling us it was an “old” position?)

Environmental Awareness. All competitors use plastic, metal and wood.  (Imagine, all those big, bad corporations trashing the environment in the name of better defecation posture!)

Visual Appeal. Created and designed by a trained professional sculptor, the MiracleStep is a work of art.  (I’m assuming you mean toilet-trained.  That’s a relief.  Pun totally intended.)

When you are finished using the MiracleStep simply push it back around the toilet until your next bowel movement.  (Seems like it could get boring circling the toilet like that.  How many revolutions do people average between movements?)

We are certain that the MiracleStep will make a difference to your health and well being. Please visit with any questions.

Wow. Just. Wow. Unfortunately, the website is a work in progress, and those helpful images I’m so looking forward to just aren’t there yet. I’m supremely curious what Visual Appeal could really refer to. Certainly the mental image isn’t anything like appealing.

But rest assured I’ll keep you, my loyal albeit silent reader, appraised of any progress on this important issue. Until then, I guess we’ll all have to muddle through with our shamefully flat posture and lack of visual appeal.


4 comments so far

  1. Heather on

    WOW! Thanks for the great laugh. Not only did I get to smile, but there’s that added benefit of exercising my stomach muscles. I’ll never think of continental breakfast the same way again!

  2. Mr. H on

    The only visual that comes to my mind is some sort of demented gynecologist exam table.

  3. Mike on

    Wow – what a relief to know that somebody has finally come up with something like this. I don’t know how we have managed to pooh all of these years without it – must be all of those invasive procedures – LOL. Sounds like somebody needs a little more fiber in their diet.

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