Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Restroom Strategery: Watch your six!

This isn’t so much a restroom story as the distilled wisdom of countless restroom battles.  And I see people making the same mistakes over and over.  I’m here to help.

First off, I should point out that I recognize ladies may have a different set of rules for restroom combat.  I’ve said before, and I’ll say it again, that the less I know about what goes on in the ladies’ room, the better.  But there’s really no more important or primary rule for the no-holds-barred warfare that is the workplace men’s room than this:

NO WINGMAN!

Seriously guys.  We are an army of one.  A lone sniper or dive bomber.  Is this that hard to understand?  So, if I’m heading into the loo and you’re behind me, what do you do, hotshot?  What do you do?  That’s right.  You peel off and head back to the surface and see if you can get a few of those TIE fighters to follow you.  Er, I mean, just back off, man!  (When you can get more than one movie reference into a single paragraph, don’t you have to do that?  Oh, and that makes three, though this last one was obscure and oblique.  Obsblique, you might say.  Gene Hackman, BTW.)

Anyway, you have to step off.  Of course, I don’t trust you, so it’s not going to come to this.  In my building at work, we’re well equipped with fish-eye mirrors at most of the corners, and the area with the elevators and restrooms is especially well appointed.  I can tell if anybody’s within twenty yards of the restroom when I’m headed there.

Interestingly, the duty of the leading and trailing man here is the same:  Walk away.  If you’re the trailer and you’re within sight of the other guy hitting that door, you walk.  If you’re in the lead and can see someone’s on your tail, you bail.  It’s really not that difficult.

I know you’re going to object, "But Mr. Handwasher, I gotta go bad!!!"  And I respond in the bronzed words of my dearly departed fourth grade teacher, Mr. Hellenga: "Dolezal, turn around!!!"  Oh, I mean, "I never knew anyone who had to go good!"  (He just said the other one so often that it stuck in my memory.  Dolezal was my best friend, BTW.)

Of course, on my logic here, there’s a statistical chance that nobody gets to go to the bathroom.  Well that’s the breaks, kiddos.  Until we learn to space ourselves properly, we probably deserve a few prolapses.  So figure this out!

Now that I’ve given you the Bad Cop routine, let me soften the blow somewhat.

Just because you peel off and give the other guy some space doesn’t mean you have no options.  First, you’ve gotta ask yourself a question.  Do you feel lucky?  (Now you know I couldn’t resist that, right?)  No, seriously, the question is, did he see you?  And now I need to explain.

The main thing we’re trying to avoid here is what I like to call Mutually Aware Dumpage/Drainage.  It’s akin to Mutually Assured Destruction, except in a more worklife/social context.  So it’s fine for you to know who else is in the restroom with you.  It’s just not fine for him to know that you know.  And especially for you to know that he knows that you know.  And so on, world without end, amen.

I guess it’s worth pointing out now that this chiefly concerns the arena of the stall and not the stand-upper.  Yes, pee-shyness is a real problem, but it’s not as bad as the other nightmare scenario.

The bottom line is this: You don’t want to put a face with what’s going on in that other stall.  And you don’t want your face attached to what’s going on in yours.  Trust me on this.  Because while you may be the world’s worst at remembering names or placing faces, there are things you cannot un-experience, and you remember the people who put you through them.

Now you may think it doesn’t really matter, but just remember to think of this next time you’re giving a presentation at work.  While you’re up there talking about Eliminating Time-Wasters at work, do you want someone in that room who’s intimately familiar with just how much waste you’ve eliminated lately?  Didn’t think so.  You haven’t considered this before.  I know.  You regret your past misdeeds.  Go and sin no more.

As Dumbledore said to Hermione in The Prisoner of Azkaban, "You must not be seen."

So if you don’t think you were made, you can hit that door and assess the situation, trying to keep yourself anonymous, keeping in mind that someone may be trailing you without your knowing it.  Is it secret?  Is it safe?  But maybe that guy in front of you is at the stand-upper.  Maybe you’re taking a stall.  It’s all good.  (By the way, you must examine your own conscience to decide if taking a urinal next to another guy is allowable.  I can’t make that decision for you.)

And this leads me to the final, albeit quite obvious concluding question:

"Mr. Handwasher, I’ve failed and now I’m in the restroom and I’m followed closely by another, or I’ve just followed somebody else in."

These things happen, my friend.  They shouldn’t, but they do.  Just tell me you didn’t hold the door for him.  Because that’s just not cool.  It’s not cool in the downstairs lobby, and it’s especially not cool in the Smelly Confines.  Seriously men, we all come equipped with two perfectly good arms.  Let’s let each other use them!

Sorry, I digress.  There’s no choice here.  You came in to wash your hands.  These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.  Move along.

Get me?  Whatever urgent business brought you here is now on hold.  You step over, wash your hands like your momma taught you (be a good example even if it’s just for show), and walk.  There’s no other way. 

I hope I’ve helped someone.  May you be blessed with many anonymous evacuations.

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Bathroom Humor: Gas on the Mind

Mrs. Handwasher alerted me to the existence of some pretty funny Gas-X commercials. I particularly love the trombone music in the background of these:

Musical Humor

Okay, now I know that at least one of you out there (Dad!) is already laughing at the potential interpretations of “Musical Humor.” Believe me, it was an accidental and fortunate combination of words. But there’s actually music involved.

By the way, insert obligatory “Sorry I’ve been away so long” post content here.  Like you noticed…

Seriously though, I’ve got a topic all lined up for a post for Friday.  And a new Character Name will be revealed.

But for today, it’s about the music, and about the humor.  “Scrubs” humor, that is, from the “Scrubs” musical episode (which I didn’t see on tv, but still found the best part).  Enjoy.

Restroom Humor: The Sound of Silence

And now for some classic Simon & Garfunkel:

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

Just keep that lyric about the light that split the night in mind here.  And now, on with the show!!!

This made me laugh until I stopped. And then some. And it’s definitely bathroom humor, at least by my mom’s definition.  Fake commercials are, to me, the best part of SNL (and other shows, too). This one, lobbed at my by one of my dear sisters, is truly wrong.

Restroom Humor: Know Your Enemas

The book I’m working on is all about knowing your restroom enemies – and vanquishing them.  Of course, I’m not the first person to dwell on the various characters you’ll find in that most horrible place.

A friend forwarded a forwarded forward to me, noting that it was interesting that the guy who forwarded the forward to him had this in his signature: “Soli Deo Gloria” (all to the glory of God).  My friend seemed to find it ironic or even comical that this tagline should accompany a restroom-themed email.  But consider this:  there is a blessing that’s said by religious Jews after using the toilet.  It goes something like this:

Blessed are You Our God, King of the Universe,
Who fashioned man with wisdom
and created within him many openings
and many cavities.
It is obvious and known
before Your Throne of Glory
that if but one of them were to be ruptured
or if but one of them were to be blocked
it would be impossible to survive
and to stand before You
Blessed are You, HaShem,
Who heals all flesh
and acts wondrously.

(By the way, you can get posters of this written in Hebrew.  And my birthday is coming up in ten months or so…)

So discussion about what goes on in the restroom isn’t necessarily unholy.  Except when it takes this form (The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the staff and management of Handwasher.net. But there’s a high probability.):

***Warning*** Make sure you are in a place you can laugh out loud, or you will be crying for sure!

How to Poop at Work

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever…Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 pounds!

Cement Block = You wish you’d gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else’s house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise..

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE…

Oh, and in case someone forgot my story about this, I’ve been present when a BURGLAR did his thing, and the door latch failed. Yeah. Just don’t do it, man…

Restroom Humor: I 'Faugh!' in Your General Direction!!

Merry Christmas, all ye readers of my blog!

Once you’ve mastered the tactics necessary to overcome your restroom enemies (look for my book on said topic, due to be published some time after I finish it), you’ll realize that The Rules really only exist for the sake of exploitation. Get everyone to agree on The Rules, then dispense with them and freak people out! As here:

Of course I had to notice that the dude lost pitch on his rendition of the Cheers theme song. But maybe that was part of the technique.

Restroom Humor: The Rules are the Rules for a Reason…

Wouldn’t you know it’d be a pastor who’d straighten me out?  I have been woefully and pathetically remiss on this here website-thingy.  I repent in dust and ashes.

How have I not posted the Male Restroom Etiquette youtube?

Forgive me, and enjoy.

Hat tip: Pastor Mike.

Bathroom Humor #4: Rise Above the Germs

Okay, so the Cowboy Hats (or Gaskets or Donuts or whatever you call them) are probably pretty ridiculous.  You’re probably more likely to catch something from a public phone (which, BTW, why do we have those anymore?) or that disgusting little thing I like to call the public restroom faucet handle.  But still, having that tiny little layer of separation there is somehow comforting.  But what if you could really rise above the germs?

Embed fail.  But here’s the link:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/2316/rise

Bathroom Humor #3: Uninterrupted Sleep

Yes, I scour the web for bathroom humor. This one, from SNL, is just pricelessly wrong (and I find pricelessly to be a new and indispensable word).

http://www.hulu.com/embed/I7uPb2eejaIzGskL7gwv5Q

Bathroom Humor #2: A variation on Hide 'n' Seek

I’m not confident I’ll be able to ever find anything to post under Bathroom Humor that’s not just plain wrong.  Maybe someday, but not today.

Hope you enjoyed that as much as these guys did.