Restroom Humor: The Sound of Silence

And now for some classic Simon & Garfunkel:

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

Just keep that lyric about the light that split the night in mind here.  And now, on with the show!!!

This made me laugh until I stopped. And then some. And it’s definitely bathroom humor, at least by my mom’s definition.  Fake commercials are, to me, the best part of SNL (and other shows, too). This one, lobbed at my by one of my dear sisters, is truly wrong.

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Defies Categorization: Don't Eat Where You…

Most people have heard the saying, “Don’t [relieve yourself] where you eat,” as pertains particularly to workplace relationships. However, I’ve just become aware of a restaurant that flips the saying on its head and does its level best to ruin your appetite.

It’s in Taiwan, and it’s called Modern Toilet Restaurant.  I can’t sum up the apparent dining experience better than the Time Magazine article Mr. K sent me:

Every customer sits on a stylish acrylic toilet (lid down) designed with images of roses, seashells or Renaissance paintings. Everyone dines at a glass table with a sink underneath. The servers bring your meal atop a mini toilet bowl (quite convenient, as it brings the food closer to your mouth), you sip drinks from your own plastic urinal (a souvenir), and soft-swirl ice cream arrives for dessert atop a dish shaped like a squat toilet.

Yeah.  And the menu is, well, unique and consistent.  Just imagine what your soft-serve chocolate ice cream is likely to approximate.  Actually, don’t imagine it.  These are the Interwebs, after all.  Why don’t I just show you?

yummy!

yummy!

I’m actually surprised I haven’t seen this place featured on Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern.  I mean, he went to a restaurant specializing in mayonaisse once…

I’m afraid I’m letting Mr. K down here, because I can’t come up with much to say about this.  Go visit the page and see if you aren’t similarly speechless.  I’m thinking the best thing one could say is what I heard once from Bart Simpson:  “It’s craptacular!”

Restroom Atrocities/Oddities: Holy Discontent

I’d like to think that Church Restrooms would be a different breed.  True, I don’t feel compelled to use the Cowboy Hat when I’m there.  But that speaks more to my level of comfort with the potential germs I might encounter than the design of the restroom.  Because churchgoers don’t have nasty wee-beasties…right?

But shouldn’t churches have the *best* restroom designs? Even divine designs?  Unfortunately, houses of worship are just as likely to fall victim to the tragic neglect of thought so common in restroom design. For instance:

NO!!!!!

NO!!!!!

Now really, I know we’re supposed to be kind and loving to each other, but are we really supposed to be able to put our arms around each other while relieving ourselves?  There is simply no circumstance in which it could be even remotely appropriate to have full occupancy here.  There’s not adequate spacing for a proper stance, there’s no partition, and there’s not AN ODD NUMBER OF URINALS!!!!  How can you not allow for the buffer urinal?  It’s simply ungodly.  Repent, unnamed restroom defiler designer!!!

I say stand back and see if you can hit both.  And don’t act like you weren’t already thinking it.  Doesn’t that narrow corridor look like a shooting range?

Moving on…

Sometimes an idea seems considerate, and you’ve got to give the designers credit for thinking of others.  Notice I said you have to.  I don’t.  At my church, they’ve got these handy shelves in the stalls, above the urinals, and at the sink.  Check it out:

Bible ledge or platform for toilet tank diving?

Bible ledge or platform for toilet tank diving?

The shelf is a nice idea.  Say, for instance, you walk into the stall and remember, “Oh, I’m carrying a Bible!  How I wish I could set it someplace instead of holding it while I…(well, you know).”  And like magic, there’s the ledge!

Only it’s four inches wide.  So unless you’re carrying a pocket-sized Sword, and have decided that in this case, the pocket just isn’t an appropriate place to stow it, you’re pretty much out of luck.  Unless you have a water bottle to counterbalance it as it’s cantilevered over your head as you squat.  Just watch out that you don’t hit it on the way back up.

I’m sure the designers thought, “We can’t make this ledge stick out too far, or someone may scalp himself on it!”  Understandable.  But unless the stall is equipped with a bidet, there’s a handy-dandy thing called a TP-dispenser that’s almost always the perfect size for setting a typical Bible.  Unless it’s one of those blasted circular ones.   (Which, BTW, don’t install those.  Give us a flat surface for to be settin’ somethin’.)

I didn’t take a snap of the ledge by the sink, but it’s the same situation.  And no excuse about somebody cracking his skull on it.  Nice idea, poor implementation.

Now, your mission:  Try not to think about where that Bible you’re borrowing from somebody in church has been.

Restroom Humor: Know Your Enemas

The book I’m working on is all about knowing your restroom enemies – and vanquishing them.  Of course, I’m not the first person to dwell on the various characters you’ll find in that most horrible place.

A friend forwarded a forwarded forward to me, noting that it was interesting that the guy who forwarded the forward to him had this in his signature: “Soli Deo Gloria” (all to the glory of God).  My friend seemed to find it ironic or even comical that this tagline should accompany a restroom-themed email.  But consider this:  there is a blessing that’s said by religious Jews after using the toilet.  It goes something like this:

Blessed are You Our God, King of the Universe,
Who fashioned man with wisdom
and created within him many openings
and many cavities.
It is obvious and known
before Your Throne of Glory
that if but one of them were to be ruptured
or if but one of them were to be blocked
it would be impossible to survive
and to stand before You
Blessed are You, HaShem,
Who heals all flesh
and acts wondrously.

(By the way, you can get posters of this written in Hebrew.  And my birthday is coming up in ten months or so…)

So discussion about what goes on in the restroom isn’t necessarily unholy.  Except when it takes this form (The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the staff and management of Handwasher.net. But there’s a high probability.):

***Warning*** Make sure you are in a place you can laugh out loud, or you will be crying for sure!

How to Poop at Work

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever…Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 pounds!

Cement Block = You wish you’d gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else’s house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise..

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE…

Oh, and in case someone forgot my story about this, I’ve been present when a BURGLAR did his thing, and the door latch failed. Yeah. Just don’t do it, man…

Restroom Oddities: The More They Overthink the Plumbing…

Today’s post is about excess.   One of the interesting restaurant chains in my area is McMenamins (or as I like to call it, McM&Ms).  I won’t bore you with the history of the place(s), because you can just read about it yourself.   Suffice it to say that their restroom designs could provide me with Oddities until the Last Day.

I should point out that, near as I can tell, all McMenamins locations feature some of the worst restrooms in existence, violating just about every Rule I’ve ever thought up.  In fact, I thought up more than a few of them while observing the abominations I found there.  I’m not trying to pick on them, because they are entertaining restrooms if nothing else.

Let’s start at Imbrie Hall.  There’s no defending this kind of urinal, but you’ll find them at most McM&Ms locations:

Floor Urinals, woo!

Floor Urinals, woo!

Nothing seems particularly strange here, although I’d point out the obvious courtesy of providing the left-handed gent (of which I am one) the opportunity of left-handed flushing at the left-hand urinal.  It’s clearly the left thing to do.  But note how the feed pipes for each urinal converge.  Then look up, and you’ll see this:

Plumber Job Security

Plumber Job Security

Yeah.  Staying with the urinal-theme, the Grand Lodge has this gem (hat tip, Mr. H):

Hold On to Something!

Hold On to Something!

I suppose this one is allowing you to keep your options open, but I’m not really sure that’s what it’s about.  I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to grab both handles and make motorcycle sounds while relieving yourself.  At least that’s the trend I’m hoping to start…

Lastly, we have a rare Ladies’ Room capture from the Olympic Club (hat tip, Mrs. K):

Choose, But Choose Wisely...

Choose, But Choose Wisely...

The thing is, amidst all that confusion, can anyone spot a soap dispenser?  All these faucets and no way to wash?  Perhaps Mrs. K can confirm…

Anyway, this has been your tour d’overkill.  Hope you enjoyed it.  This sampling was taken from three locations, of the probably fifty or more in existence.  Feel free to send me shots of the others if you’re so inclined.

Restroom Oddities: Odditory Refreshment

Having recently traveled, I thought I’d share an Oddity.  It’s the Sea-Tac Airport’s “Talking Fountain”:

Now, a few thoughts about Airport Restrooms.  Really, they’re some of the best-designed restrooms in existence.  For one, they rarely have doors, so your main Source Of OPB (Other People’s Bacteria) is taken away right there.  Of course, I’m not expecting most workplaces to go doorless (due to the lack of ambient “cover-noise” featured at airports).

The one thing the Airport Restroom has over the Workplace Restroom is anonymity.  You will probably never see these people again.  So throw off your Workplace Restroom Inhibitions and be as obnoxious as you want to be (and by obnoxious I mean oblivious that Other People Are Present).  Or just walk away without washing (I’m testing you here…you should be outraged).

Of course, Murphy would predict that one of your fellow restroom denizens will be seated near you.  Which is why I also recommend using a restroom that’s not right next to your boarding gate.

Oh, and one more thing.  I know from personal and recent experience that it’s really difficult for a grown man and his seven-year-old son to share an airplane restroom.  There was no repeat occurrence of said phenomenon.  Once was enough.

Restroom Humor: I 'Faugh!' in Your General Direction!!

Merry Christmas, all ye readers of my blog!

Once you’ve mastered the tactics necessary to overcome your restroom enemies (look for my book on said topic, due to be published some time after I finish it), you’ll realize that The Rules really only exist for the sake of exploitation. Get everyone to agree on The Rules, then dispense with them and freak people out! As here:

Of course I had to notice that the dude lost pitch on his rendition of the Cheers theme song. But maybe that was part of the technique.

Restroom Oddities: High Knees, Please

My sister the doula sent me this gem.   Rather than requiring you to read it and then absorb my mockery of it, I’ve decided to go commentary-style and provide my editorials throughout (in italics).

Dear Doula, the MiracleStep will be on the Tyra Banks show Dec. 18th (can you feel the excitement?). Let me share some information with you here.

What could be more natural than using a toilet? (If we’re going to split hairs here, I’d point out that indoor plumbing is something of a luxury. For much of human history, “using the toilet” didn’t include any particular apparatus.)  Unfortunately, there is very little natural about the modern toilet. If you or your clients have ever had trouble with wast elimination, or as Oprah says “Poohing,” it just might be your posture.  (I wouldst just like to note here that my last elimination wast just fine, since thou asketh after it.) This problem is more acute for pregnant women.

Humans need to squat, not sit–but most of us sit with our feet flat on the floor!  (Yes, and this allows a flat surface which we can set a newspaper on.  Duh!)

The MiracleStep(c) (tm pending) helps you achieve the posture that enables a more complete waste and toxin elimination.  (I’d submit that they’re taking a bit of credit for Good Old Mr. Gravity’s role in all this.) Placing your feet on the MiracleStep adjusts your legs and hips to a natural, simulated squatting position, relaxing the muscles that keep us continent.  (It just occured to me to wonder if I’ve always misunderstood what Continental Breakfast is…)

Most of us take the toilet for granted, The MiracleStep(c) gives us a better way to achieve healthy elimination–without laxatives, invasive procedures, without straining or expensive equipment.  (Umm…invasive procedures?  Dude!)

The MiracleStep(c) was created by an artist and improves your health simply by placing your feet on it while having a bowel movement!  (I think it also reduces cellulite and whitens your teeth!)  It is made from an environmentally friendly material, grass-bamboo plywood, which is exceptionally and durable.  (Well, since it’s exceptionally, I don’t even really care about the durable part.) The MiracleStep offers other benefits, including:

Complete Safety. Laxatives casue risky health benefits, such as depletion of nutrients and dehydration. The MiracleStep has no side-effects whatsoever.  (Maybe nitpicky, but don’t you mean “negative” side-effects?  Because if it has no side-effects of any kind, what exactly are we buying it for?)

Complete Comfort. This “new” position is so comfortable and NATURAL.  (Didn’t you just get done telling us it was an “old” position?)

Environmental Awareness. All competitors use plastic, metal and wood.  (Imagine, all those big, bad corporations trashing the environment in the name of better defecation posture!)

Visual Appeal. Created and designed by a trained professional sculptor, the MiracleStep is a work of art.  (I’m assuming you mean toilet-trained.  That’s a relief.  Pun totally intended.)

When you are finished using the MiracleStep simply push it back around the toilet until your next bowel movement.  (Seems like it could get boring circling the toilet like that.  How many revolutions do people average between movements?)

We are certain that the MiracleStep will make a difference to your health and well being. Please visit www.miraclestep.com with any questions.

Wow. Just. Wow. Unfortunately, the website is a work in progress, and those helpful images I’m so looking forward to just aren’t there yet. I’m supremely curious what Visual Appeal could really refer to. Certainly the mental image isn’t anything like appealing.

But rest assured I’ll keep you, my loyal albeit silent reader, appraised of any progress on this important issue. Until then, I guess we’ll all have to muddle through with our shamefully flat posture and lack of visual appeal.

Restroom Humor: The Rules are the Rules for a Reason…

Wouldn’t you know it’d be a pastor who’d straighten me out?  I have been woefully and pathetically remiss on this here website-thingy.  I repent in dust and ashes.

How have I not posted the Male Restroom Etiquette youtube?

Forgive me, and enjoy.

Hat tip: Pastor Mike.

Restroom Offenses: A Few Bad Men

Sometimes Restroom Offenses come in waves.  The other day, I witnessed and took part in several during one visit to the Loo.

Right before a totally unnecessary lunchtime departmental meeting, I headed for the restroom to get rid of some coffee (okay, so it was a non-coffee day, sue me).  One of my coworkers had the same thought, and in spite of my objection, he chose to be my Wingman (offense #1).  Then he proceeded to Pair Up with me by taking the urinal next to me instead of taking Junior (offense #2, but it’s not his fault Junior wasn’t in the middle).

Then we chatted the whole time, as I was lecturing him about the wingman thing and the pairing (offense #3, mea culpa).

Then another dude came in and went for Junior.  Full House.  The nightmare scenario, really.  (I could charge him with an offense of Pairing, but that ship had already sailed.)

Then yet another dude came in and waited for a urinal to free up (offense #4).  Allow me to dwell here a bit.  There is absolutely no excuse for queueing behind a Full House, particularly when there’s an empty stall available.  (Wait, can it be a Full House when Stalls are Available?  Must think on this.  Nomenclature needs defining.)

To add insult to injury, he queued at a closer-than-comfortable distance.  Then he took his turn, faked his handwashing (offense #5), and left.

Did I cause all of this?  I mean, when I recognized that my coworker was going to go all Wingman, I could’ve bailed.  Then there would’ve been no Full House (or Three of a Kind), and no queuing.  Dude still would’ve faked it, though.  But that’s still one offense (and a common one) versus five.  What was I thinking?

I need to compile the Rules and assign them numbers.  In just this list of offenses, I’ve got:

  • No Wingman
  • No Pairing
  • No Chatting
  • No Queuing
  • No Faking

Since this is my first post in several weeks, I’m asking (nay, begging) for some feedback here.  Nobody’s been submitting Oddities or Atrocities.  Do I need to do all the work here?  Lob me something.  Anything.  Please?